Conditional Love: I Would Love You If…
Love! Love! Looove! There are so many books and movies about it. Most of philosophers are still trying to figure out this mysterious feeling. Some people states that it is just a chemical reaction and nothing more, others call it a “gift from heavens”. We are not going to choose shere who is right. Moreover, this article is not about what love is – it is, on the contrary, mostly about what love is not.
“You are cool! I am cool! We should be together!”
There is an interesting article “Maybe You Don’t Know What Love Is” by a popular writer Mark Manson. You may recognize this author because of his New York Times bestselling book – “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”. In his article “Maybe You Don’t Know What Love Is”, Mark Manson is sharing his thoughts on love and here are the most interesting concepts you may like.
According to Mark, we trade our good qualities as a currency, especially, when we are teenagers.
Just remember your school years. The coolness, back then, determined the demand on relationship with you. We all were trying to hang out with cool kids to seem better than we were. Although it might be okay at school, unfortunately some people never grow out from the “you’ll do it for me, I’ll do it for you” relationships.
Thus, conditional relationship is a quite popular phenomenon today. You may ask: “and what is wrong with that?!”. Actually, nothing. Perhaps, for someone it is okay to live a whole life with a person who appreciates your money more than you, for instance. However, experience shows that usually such type of relationships face the failure in the end. It happens because some people prioritize something else above love and relationships.
For example, if you love your partner’s money more than him/her then what is going to happen if they lose all money? Exactly, “feelings” will disappear. The same goes about thee looks. Your stunningly beautiful partner may not be as attractive forever.
Therefore, conditional relationships are really poor on emotional level. You are happy till you get what you need, and it has nothing common with “pure love” from the favorite books.
How can I understand if I have a conditional relationship?
We have already mentioned that conditional love is “give-to-give” kind of relationships.
Of course, all relationships are based on giving and receiving something as well, however, in conditional relationships it is all about giving.
So, if you want to understand whether your partner really love you, ask yourselves several questions:
- If I stop giving her/him money, will she still love me?
- If I stop having sex with my partner would he/she still want to see me?
- Can I fully express my feelings and emotions with this partner?
- Does she/he ever ask for your opinion?
- Does your partner think and talk about your future together?
- Is he/she trying to be always there for you?
- Is it easy or difficult to be with your partner?
Conditional relationship is not only about money, it is about any benefits partners can get from each other.
Is conditional love really that bad?
No, actually, conditional love is not always a bad idea.
In fact, if both partners are totally okay with this and understand what their “love” is based on, then, conditional relationships may work out well.
However, it is not okay, when one partner is using the second one who blindly loves him/her.
The main problem is that such kind of relationships do not last long and any inconvenience can ruin it.
For example, if you have to change a job and for some period of time, you will face financial problems, your partner may leave you (of course, if he/she loves you for the money).
Moreover, conditional relationships make us tolerant for being treated poorly. For instance, if guy is dating with girl because of “hot body”, he may be okay when she treats him like crap. He likes her for her body, and the impression she made on him was not for the way she treats him. As soon as he gets what he wants, he can tolerate other things.
What should I do if I am loved conditionally?
If the idea of conditional love or love with benefits does not suit you, but you notice that you are having such kind of relationship, you should remove or “repair” it.
Start thinking about yourself and stop accepting other’s conditions. You should learn to say “no”, even to your beloved ones.
Undoubtedly, it will cause inconveniences, you even risk loosing your relationship. However, as a result, you will get people who truly love and appreciate you.